Twas the Night Santa Snapped

It was a cold winter’s night
Throughout the whole land
Santa’s sleigh bells were ringing
A .45 in his hand

His craft soared so high
Past the clouds and the whispers
That Santa was coming
And the air couldn’t be crisper

For everyone knew
That it wasn’t the case
That Santa was coming
To put a smile on each face

The red suit was ruffled
His hair was a muss
No Ho Ho Ho’s were heard
Only cuss after cuss

For it was not on Christmas Eve
That he left his snow base
As he screamed that
He’d “put a cap in yo ase!”

As he descended into sight
His deer looked half-dead
For only five of the eight
Had not been shot in the head

Santa’s safety clicked off
And he held us his list
“You’re all bad boys and girls!”
As he shook his tight fist

But the Army was waiting
With their tanks and their rockets
And as Santa opened fire
They narrowed their sockets

And they launched a barrage
Of fire and missiles
That cut through the air
With no more than a whistle

The explosion, it sounded
Like a lit powder keg
And all we ever found
Was an arm and a leg

So have a Merry Christmas
With lots of holiday cheer
Santa is dead
There is nothing to fear!


I wrote this last year to send to everyone in my group at work. I decided I liked it so much, that I'm making it a Christmas tradition to share each year. I'm not much of a poet and I'm not much into poetry, but I am aware that it's apparently a treat to hear the original author of a poem read it. You can hear the exact intonations of the voice and such that you just cannot get on paper. Now, I'm not equating myself with any "real" poets mind you. I would never dare to raise myself on that high a pedestal. I am pleased with my Christmas themed poem however and wanted to share how I would read it. Also, it's meant just for fun. It's not a statement on the commercialization of Christmas (though it has been awfully commercialized). Plain, simple, somewhat twisted fun. Enjoy!